The heavy heart and the heavy pour

**When I wrote this one, I felt so heavy and a total failure. But halfway through it, while writing my emotional and mental state, I felt better. True, writing can be a good source of pouring out emotion and feeling better afterwards. Enjoy reading.**

Have you ever felt being in the state of idleness when everything seemed to be in a slow-motion and every time you take a step, it feels like 3 seconds before your other foot lands forward? That was how I felt after resigning from work barely 2 weeks ago.
My usual routine of sleeping early and waking up early went on limbo and was totally kicked out of my supposed schedule. See, I like waking up early in the morning because I have proven that the early you are, the more work you get to accomplished. Just as I mentioned, I still have a lot of things to do particularly school stuffs that required my utmost attention. Truth is, I'm sort of lost of what to do that's why a good and very strict schedule should be at hand. I actually had a good schedule and it worked perfectly fine until the middle of last week, when I woke up and just could not do anything but to stare, think and gone nowhere.

I have been reflecting on how I assess my life. Honestly, I have no idea until now regarding the things that I want and the things that I need. I couldn't even tell what kind of personality I have. Times when I wanted to be subtle, be a loner and reserved. Days when I wanted be laugh out loud, go out and be expressive. Occasions when I am just in between. It can be blamed to mood swings, menstrual cycle or simply being a female, but if faced with a question of how I describe myself, I actually have no idea.

Sometimes, human as we are, we have ambitions and expectations toward other people and most especially, toward ourselves. On my case, I expect and regard high of myself. I like setting up high expectations because I believe that if there's something you aim in life, why not go for the peak, the number one and the ultimate. Why settle for the slope, the number two or the penultimate when there's still something more to be achieved. Nevertheless, the downside of having high expectations is it's emotional guarantee that confidence and self-esteem will surely drop, head first when the same was not met. Even if I utterly failed of what I expect from myself recently, I did not and would not lower my standards. Call me ambitious or wishful thinker, but I could not think of other way to regain control of myself - but to outplay, outwit and outdo my previous me.